#AskLYNDON 2: THE GRAY ZONE

Grayzone

I had an IG Stories Q&A with my followers on Instagram earlier today, and one of the questions that struck me is about GRAY ZONE.

blog gray

When things were not yet complicated there were just: Married or In A Relationship. As we enter the new millennium new categories were used. Secret On, Friends With Benefits, FUBU and Dating to name a few. Then there came the millennial era where everything is complicated. I’m sure most of you heard of these terms: Ghosting, Friendzone, DTR, Lemming and Gray Zone.

So, what is a Gray Zone? Remember when people will say there are just 2 options, Black or White. If you are confused or lost and can not define what’s happening between you and the other person that you’ve been talking, kissing or spending most of your time with, that is the GRAY ZONE. It’s not a YES nor a NO. You’re not in a relationship but you are not just friends. What could be more blurry than this stupid area? Right?

So, the question was, “Have you been on Gray Zone?”. The answer is YES! Maybe because I am that type of person who is not particular with labels and DTR. As long as we get along and we are happy, I’m fine with it. Wait, only because I haven’t met that person who I will be defining something with.

Let me share a story.

A lot of you will agree that the best way to get over someone is to find someone new. I was talking to my best friend that time sharing my story about “this person”, let’s call this person: BIMBO. Bimbo broke my heart without Bimbo knowing it. We used to hang out everyday, we would call each other before sleeping and then one day it just stopped. No explanation, no whatever. Next morning, I saw Bimbo spending more time with CUTIE. It broke my heart that time, I even bought my first expensive bag because of that. I was very upset and my best friend said why not try meeting new people. She suggested that I should try talking to “that person”, let’s call that person: MASTERMIND. I’m not attracted to Mastermind at all but there’s this one time, I’m on my way to a meeting and I bumped into Mastermind inside the lift. I started a small talk and Mastermind started teasing me. From then on, we became secret friends. We would not talk when we see each other but we will send SMS and Facebook messenger chats. It went on for months and true enough, I forgot Bimbo. Though that secret friendship with Mastermind didn’t reach another level and we just lost it. Little did we know, the following months would be more colorful for us. Mastermind started hanging out with me. Mastermind would give me stuff I like and mind you, Mastermind did research pretty well. When people started to notice that there is something going on between us, I started ignoring Mastermind. The hanging out became a single nod when we see each other or worse not look at each other’s eyes at all. I thought it’s the end of our connection. Then came one afternoon of 2017, we started talking again and this time I thought it’s going to be different. Mastermind would send me messages or call me every hour, we would spend breakfast, lunch and afternoon snacks together. I’ve started to feel something with what’s happening that time. Every time we would hold hands or kiss I can feel that there’s a different connection between us. People would ask us if we are already together and to me it didn’t feel right. We talked about it and came up with a mutual decision by not defining the relationship we have. It’s perfectly fine with me but a part of me wanted to try if we would click together. We can’t deny that the chemistry is very strong but it’s meant to be just like that. Mastermind is my soulmate, my best friend and my almost relationship. Eventually, I figured out I don’t want to be stuck on that zone, the Gray zone and it was a clever decision not to put a label on that relationship.

You know the signs are there but you just don’t want to deal with it. A part of you wants to believe that in time, this will be perfect. I tell you, it’s not a walk in the park. When you start asking yourself how he/she feels about you: “He likes me but is it enough?”, “She does enjoy spending time with me, does it mean she cares about me?”. Let me tell you straight to the point. He/She likes you but he/she doesn’t like you enough to be in a relationship with you. Chemistry is not an instant thing and compatibility doesn’t end in music, movies or food, it’s a special connection you have. Find that spark. You hang out almost everyday but he doesn’t want to make it official. You talk for hours but you don’t hear from her after. He refuses to be exclusive but doesn’t want to put label. She always tell you she misses you but there is no effort being made to spend time with you. If you see lack of liking then know your way out. If that’s how he/she feels about you, you can never change it. Don’t assume that he/she is the right person for you because obviously, he/she is not.

Do not focus on the things that you want to hear and disregard the things that stating the obvious. It’s like you are ignoring the truth and you’re just waiting for him/her to return the time and affection that you’ve been giving him/her. We can never force someone to feel something towards us because it will be painful in the end. Sometimes we think that he is just dropping clues because he can’t say it directly. We think that if we let this person go away, we’ve wasted the possibility of having a future with him. To be honest, from the very start it was very clear, there is no future in that relationship. If you’ve exerted much effort and he is still not interested in defining the relationship, you’ve done your part and it’s going to be a waste of time if you will continue pursuing this person. The right person will not let you guess and will take every opportunity to be with you. The next time you’ll be stuck in this Gray area ask yourself what led you to this situation. Do not repeat the same mistake and bring it in your next relationship. Make sure to do some soul searching or self realization so you can always come out of this area on the first sign of danger.

Truth is, getting over someone you never had is worse than an actual break-up. There will always be what if and what could have been .

 

XO,

D.

 

 

 

 

 

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An Open Letter To Some People Who Don’t Like Conversations (Part 1)

I’m actually still having thoughts if I will continue with this entry or not. To begin with, the main reason why I want to write about whatever this I’m writing is to let these things out of my chest. Since the people involved are not fans of serious conversations unless it’s about their lives, I’ve decided to just write about them and my experiences with them here.

conrad

Dear Valentine : Or should I say Ex-Valentine.

February 14, 2018 should’ve been our first anniversary, only if that I’m cheesy and assuming. You might be wondering what happened that day, let me take you back to Valentine’s Day 2017.

Our friendship went on a hiatus phase from October 2016 to the early days of February 2017. On February 14, 2017 you saw me walking along a busy street and you asked me where am I going. I told you that I’m just going to run some errands and you offered to walk me through. Right after, you invited me for lunch. We went to this Mexican restaurant and when we sat down you mentioned, ” Uy Valentine’s Day pala today, tayo pa magkasama”. And I never thought that it will be the start of something special. Remember we had this fight when I got back from Singapore?, that moment, I felt that you value what we had and you value me as a person. I did not expect that we would be closer after that incident. Your Viber messages would start my day in the morning and end my day at night. You would surprise me everyday from the sweetest note to the yummiest snack. We were inseparable and I’m pretty sure that something so special like that would bring us somewhere and it is very impossible to end it.

But as they say, All good things come to an end. The messages went from seldom to none. The sweet notes, the snack, even the hanging out all disappeared. I don’t know if it’s because of that something that we agreed on or was it because of that little secret. I thought we made it very clear from the start that this is what we wanted and as mature individuals, we will stick together and face our future together as friends. It took me 2 months to come to my senses and feel that I was somehow betrayed by someone who I treated dearly. Yes, I was hurt and it hurts so much every single day that I see you and you didn’t even say you were sorry. You know that you’ve hurt me and you know that this will happen but you didn’t do anything. You didn’t even bother to stop whatever was happening for our friendship’s sake. There were 2 questions I wanted to ask you that time: When are you planning to talk to me and tell everything and Did you just play with my emotions? I was so disappointed that I’m close to that point that you will not exist in my life anymore.

Good thing I know you already. I know how you treat your problems and how you treat people as well. And it’s very hard for you to say sorry but your actions say otherwise. You  are a living testament that action speaks louder than words. From the day that I’ve started talking to you again, you’ve exerted so much effort to show how sorry you were and how you always wanted us to go back to our old “us”. Sorry is very important to me but you were also important that it doesn’t matter anymore if I hear it from you or not as long as I feel your sincerity and remorse. I’ve forgiven you but I haven’t forgotten what happened yet. I know it will take time but at least I’m getting there, we are getting there. I just hope one day, you’ll find that courage to own up your mistakes and talk to me about what really happened. No more secrets. No more hiding. No more lies. Only the truth for a friendship that I know is very real. I’ll be waiting…

 

Still trying to understand everything,

D.